I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
