If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
