i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
