We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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