Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Mom said you looked used
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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