just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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