Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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