I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize