i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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