i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
