you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The adults are the big ones right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize