I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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