My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
