Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
