I accidentally burped into my bong.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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