She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
