is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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