im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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