I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
