I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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