Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
should my penis look like a turkey
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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