I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
