My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize