Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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