I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
