The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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