On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
where are my eyebrows?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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