wakey wakey hands off snakey
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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