You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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