dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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