I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
