Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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