You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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