oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
