Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
