He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
