I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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