You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
