just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i just google imaged poop.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
