I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
