Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
