That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
