i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
