I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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