Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
