he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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