I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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