I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
