If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
