please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
