I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
