What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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