great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
