Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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