then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
