Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
