fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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