I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
