i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just pynch a tree in the face
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
