his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
