From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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