yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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