I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
